Sunday, November 11, 2007

You Know You're a Ron Paul Supporter WHEN...

...with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy...

You Know You're a Ron Paul Supporter WHEN:

  • You've given up on putting banners on highway overpasses. Not because you don't enjoy it, but because the overpass isn't big enough for the banner anymore.

  • Your Lawn Gnomes are painted over with Revolution T-shirts.

  • You schedule your third anniversary dinner between a Meetup group planning meeting and dropping slimjims on windshields at the local high school football game.

  • You don't know anything about how to keep score, haven't the foggiest idea who Earnhart, Gordon, and Martin are, and don't understand the attraction of watching cars drive around in a really big circle for hours on end...but you still go to the Nascar race, just to cheer for the airplane pulling the Ron Paul for President banner high over the stadium.

  • You and three friends get together, sneak into Fox News HQ, steal the server password off of Hannity's desk while his back is turned, rappel into the server room in a scene right out of "Mission Impossible," hack into their polling software in forty-seven-point-four seconds, and give your phone numbers and home computers permission to vote multiple times--so you can spam the votes and make Ron Paul seem a lot more popular than he really is.

  • You put a widget in Firefox to allow you to see Ron Paul's donation numbers in real time.

  • You WRITE a widget for Firefox to allow you to see Ron Paul's donation numbers in real time

  • Your eight year old's allowance comes with a lecture on Austrian Economics.

  • You wear a bracelet that says "WWRPD."

  • You give WWRPD bracelets to your friends, family, and neighbors.

  • You give WWRPD bracelets to George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Rudy Guiliani.

  • You time your chores to Ron Paul's fundraising numbers--as in "I need to walk the dog, but I'll wait until Ron breaks three million."

  • You're on your third television since May, due to throwing whatever is near at hand at clueless commentators using terms like "longshot," "flake," "extremist," "fringe," or "isolationist."

  • You make your donations in $5 increments just so you can see your name pop up again and again on the RonPaul2008 donations widget.

  • You set up Ebay auctions to raise money to donate to the campaign.

  • You tag your Ebay auctions with "RP08" so bidders know where the money is going to go.

  • The other half doesn't mind in the least when you Ebay your old golf clubs, leftover leisure suit, and the exercise-contraption-turned-into-a-clothes-drying rack with RP08 tags on them.

  • The other half gets mad at you for putting two kids and a dog on Ebay with RP08 tags...even though you had a couple of great bids on the teenager.

  • You find yourself cycling through Lew Rockwell, RonPaulGraphs, and DailyPaul every twenty minutes.

  • You sneak "Hope for America" bumper stickers onto every car in the parking lots...of the local Republican and Democrat party headquarters.

  • You get so upset with the mainstream press for "dissing" your candidate that you work out a concept, create a website, spread the word--and rake in over one million dollars for Ron...before morning coffee.

(Jokester's Note: The NickelAtATime mission has temporarily changed. We will return to our quest to make a million dollars selling laughs for a nickel, but only after Ron Paul wins the White House. Until then, the nickels you all send for our jokes and images will be cheerfully forwarded to the Ron Paul campaign. So..."You know you're a Ron Paul supporter when you offer up laughs for a nickel each, just so you can donate those nickels to Ron Paul.")

If you laughed, be sure to PayPal your nickel to!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Ah, the joys of parenthood...

There are differences between men and women. This is why junior high school biology classes were invented. What most people don't realize, though, is that those genetic differences between men and women actually affect the brain, and determine the procedure each will follow in solving a problem. While this may not be obvious, it's easily discovered by any man who has accompanied a woman shopping for clothes, and any woman who has accompanied a man on a drive through a strange city.

One of the best examples of how this difference works is in the procedure for changing a diaper.


1. Take baby from daddy.

2. Get two wipes out of the container, one for the job, and one just in case. (Mommies magically know how many they'll need before they even open the diaper.)

3. Plop kid on any handy and available level or flat surface--floor, dining room table, window sill, balance beam, or even mommy's lap. Changing a baby on a lap is a skill no man has ever mastered.

4. Unhook and open the diaper.

5. Swipe the tush with one side of the wipe.

6. Fold the wipe in half, swipe again with the other side of the wipe.

7. Lift the feet, slide in the new diaper, hook it shut.

8. Sweep baby's chest with the other--unnecessary--wipe, getting them to giggle and coo at the cold wet feeling.

9. Cuddle and nuzzle kid, all done.


1. Take baby from mommy. This is the modern day, after all; Daddies are no longer too macho and manly to do these things.

2. Take baby to bedroom, and plop the baby down on the bed. Daddy may not be too macho to change the diaper, but that still doesn't mean he wants his visiting beer buddies to actually watch him do it.

3. Unhook diaper. Surprise! Ew, how can one little baby make that big a mess?

4. Sweep eyes across the bedroom, desperately hunting for wipes. There they are, on the changing table.

5. Make "Sit! Stay!" motions with hands, to ensure the baby won't roll off of the bed.

6. Dash across the bedroom, grab the package of wipes, dash back to the bed.

7. Gaze in shock and awe at the mess one baby can make when left unsupervised for three tenths of a second.

8. Pick up jaw, get to work.

9. Use three wipes to clean baby hands.

10. Take package of wipes away from the baby.

11. Use two wipes to clean baby feet.

12. Since baby was playing with feet while cleanup was commencing, use two more wipes to clean baby hands again.

13. The last five wipes come out of the package all at once. Use all five to clean baby's bottom.

14. Discover that cold wipes on baby's bottom often have unintended side-effects.

15. Remove freshly damp shirt.

16. Move baby from wet bed to dry floor, and kneel down.

17. Stuff all of the used wipes into the old diaper, and get it out from under the baby.

18. Wad up the old diaper, being careful to not get hands messy, and set it aside on the floor.

19. Lift baby's bottom by holding the feet, and scoot the new diaper under the baby.

20. Lift baby's bottom by holding the feet, remove the new diaper from under the baby. Flip the new diaper around so the tabs are usable, and scoot the new diaper back under the baby.

21. Roll baby halfway over, pull out the tabs from under baby's back, and fasten the new diaper into place.

22. Stand up, step into closet, get a new clean shirt off of a hanger.

23. Step out of the closet--and onto a wadded-up messy diaper someone left on the floor.

24. Bend over, pick up the squished diaper, hop across the bedroom on one foot, and throw out the mushy mess in the bathroom trash can.

25. Remove socks, and rinse them out in the bathroom sink. Get a new pair from the dresser drawer.

26. Kneel down at the foot of the bed, and drag baby from under the bed, rescuing the cat from the baby.

27. Nuzzle and cuddle baby just like mommy does.

28. Very quickly return baby to mommy.

29. Spend the night on the couch watching old X-files and Gilligan reruns. Mommy spends the night trying desperately to get an angry fussy baby to settle down and go to sleep, despite the second degree whisker burns across baby's chest and cheek.

If you laughed, don’t forget to Paypal in your nickel!

If you would like to be added to the NickelAtATime mailing list, please let us know!

Saturday, September 1, 2007

NICKEL FOR YOUR THOUGHTS (and you thought gas was getting expensive!)

From the desk of the Chief Chortler

Welcome, brethren, to this meeting of the Brotherhood of the Church of the Blessed Wooden Nickel. Let us pray.

Most powerful Nickel, whose great humor provides us with the mystical shield of laughter,deliver us from boredom, save us from stale reality, and watch over our wanderings, as we deliver your message of giggles and chuckles to all of the corners of the Information Superhighway.

We are continuing our crusade, carrying on with our primary task of bringing humor to the heathen. Your efforts have helped us to minister to the afflicted in thirty seven states. But we mustn't slacken in our resolve. We must continue the quest, bringing giggles and laughs to all of the poor, deprived people in the world who so desperately need to laugh. Let us sing.

Onward Nickel Spenders, marching 'cross the 'net,
Sending jokes to all who would really love to get
Their weekly dose of laughter, in their email box.
And keep those nickels flowing, 'cuz humor really rocks!

So, let us continue to forward the jokes, can I get an amen? Amen.

And keep sending in those nickels, can I get a hallelujah? Hallelujah!

And keep on wearing the exclusive lime and purple dayglo light up propeller beanie cap, can I get a jumpin' Jehoshaphat? Mumble mumble.

Remember...Laughter may not make the world go around...but it's what keeps the trip from being boring and tedious.

See you in the funny papers...

If you laughed, don’t forget to send in your nickel!
If you would like to be added to the NickelAtATime mailing list, please let us know!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hopefully Helpful but Usually Useless

"Thirty days hath September...umm...Dopey, Donner and Blitzen...?"

If you're anything like me (and boy, isn't THAT a scary thought), then you hate trying to remember things--especially poems that don't even rhyme. Heck, it would be easier to remember the days of the months than the stupid poem that's supposed to remind you how many days are in each month.

It would be so much easier to have the number of days in each month right there in your hand any time you needed them. a matter of do. Here's how to read the calendar that came pre-installed in your left hand.

First, make a fist with your left hand.

Next, gently and carefully--wouldn't want to scratch or scar those beautiful calloused knuckles, would you?--put your right index finger on the knuckle of your left index finger.

Say "January," quietly. You wouldn't want anyone nearby to think you were doing anything strange, like counting on your fingers or something.

Slide your finger down into the gap between the first and second knuckle. Say "February." The next knuckle up is "March." Keep going through all of the months, until you get to July--because that's when you run out of knuckles.

At this point, get someone else to hold their fist up beside yours so you can keep going. If there isn't anyone nearby, then go ahead and start over again with the first knuckle and "August."

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the months at each knuckle have 31 days (January, March, May, etc), and the months that fall between the knuckles have less than 31 (February, April, June, etc). Now, the only one you have to memorize is February--and since it changes every four years, you had to memorize that one already anyway!

Bet you didn't know you had a calendar installed in your fist, did you...?

If you laughed, don’t forget to send in your nickel!
If you would like to be added to the NickelAtATime mailing list, please let us know!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hypnagoglic Creations

Hypnagoglic Logo

"Yes, post-hypnotic suggestions are good for more than just making people look like idiots on stage! We here at Hypnagoglic Creations (r) have pioneered the science of applied post-hypnotic suggestion, developing our products with your happiness, safety, and comfort in mind."

Check out our product lines:

The Active Accomplishment brand. This product line goes right to work, changing mindsets and behaviors like flicking a switch.

"Whack!" (tm) With fewer side-effects than Valium and less chance of prosecution than a two by four, Whack! ensures that hyperactive little rugrats are in bed and asleep by bedtime. Simply touch them on the forehead and speak the secret codeword, then pull the blankets up to their chins till morning.

**Warning: Put the subjects into bed FIRST, as Whack! will transform them instantly from wild sugared-up dynamos of energy into cute, sleeping little ragdolls, making them very difficult to lift into beds.

"Overachieve!" (tm) The perfect solution to those lazy, shiftless pre-teens who are more interested in television, telephone, and underage rock stars than homework. Overachive! goes right to work on the focus and attention centers of the brain, instilling in the subject an uncontrollable desire to spend three hours hitting the books, finishing their homework, and cramming for next month's geography mid-term.

"Cinderella X" (tm) With a wave of the magic code word, turn those sloppy slobs into compulsive neat freaks and return your home to the spotless days of yore (before children). Cinderella X targets the neuroses department in the subject's brain, applying a total aversion to dirt, grime, and clutter.

Attitude Adjustment Brand. This product line is for those harder cases, the ones where the other product lines don't seem to be working as effectively anymore. You know, teenagers. These products effectively apply instructional lessons in ways teens will understand.

SoapMouth 63 (tm) Has your teenager developed full-on potty mouth syndrome? Desperate for a way to curb the seemingly neverending flood of filth flowing from your sweet child's mouth? Say no more! Soapmouth 63 uses the combination of post-hypnotic trigger and peer pressure to turn sailor's speech back into queen's english in no time. Simply provide a list of the most often used phrases that come out of their mouths, and we will custom design a treatment that causes the subject to cluck like a chicken after every foul word.

Upgrade: This just in! Our developers have added a new feature that causes the subject to perform "I'm a little teapot!" on every utterance of, or hearing of, such phrases as "homey," "whacked," and "whadup, dawg?"

COMING SOON: Take control of your daily work environment with our new line of co-worker products, due out next month!

All Hypnagoglic products come with a 100% money back guarentee. If the subject fails to respond, simply return the book, tape, video, DVD, and optional electoshock YowzaJolt Collar (tm) for a full refund (minus a 40% restocking fee).

If you laughed, don't forget to send in your nickel!If you would like to be added to the NickelAtATime mailing list, please let us know!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

NICKEL FOR YOUR THOUGHTS (yes, that's what inflation tends to do for you!):

From the desk of the Primary Prankster

I'd like to welcome everyone to the first of hopefully many Nickel At A Time posts. It's really a pleasure to be here.

Isn't it great to know that, even with prices rising on everything, it's still possible to find a cheap laugh out there on the Internet?

Think of the service we provide. Without Nickel at a Time, humor addicts would be forced to scrounge around the Internet for their next fix. Imagine those poor pitiful humor-deprived people, peeking under virtual rocks, scraping around the dusty edges of the Information SuperHighway, desperately seeking that little grin and slight chuckle that will tide them over until their next fix.

Your nickels keep us going, helping us to help the humorless and make the Internet a more fun and funny place!

So, until next time, keep passing the jokes around and keep those nickels rolling in. I'll see you in the funny papers.