Monday, September 3, 2007

Ah, the joys of parenthood...

There are differences between men and women. This is why junior high school biology classes were invented. What most people don't realize, though, is that those genetic differences between men and women actually affect the brain, and determine the procedure each will follow in solving a problem. While this may not be obvious, it's easily discovered by any man who has accompanied a woman shopping for clothes, and any woman who has accompanied a man on a drive through a strange city.

One of the best examples of how this difference works is in the procedure for changing a diaper.


1. Take baby from daddy.

2. Get two wipes out of the container, one for the job, and one just in case. (Mommies magically know how many they'll need before they even open the diaper.)

3. Plop kid on any handy and available level or flat surface--floor, dining room table, window sill, balance beam, or even mommy's lap. Changing a baby on a lap is a skill no man has ever mastered.

4. Unhook and open the diaper.

5. Swipe the tush with one side of the wipe.

6. Fold the wipe in half, swipe again with the other side of the wipe.

7. Lift the feet, slide in the new diaper, hook it shut.

8. Sweep baby's chest with the other--unnecessary--wipe, getting them to giggle and coo at the cold wet feeling.

9. Cuddle and nuzzle kid, all done.


1. Take baby from mommy. This is the modern day, after all; Daddies are no longer too macho and manly to do these things.

2. Take baby to bedroom, and plop the baby down on the bed. Daddy may not be too macho to change the diaper, but that still doesn't mean he wants his visiting beer buddies to actually watch him do it.

3. Unhook diaper. Surprise! Ew, how can one little baby make that big a mess?

4. Sweep eyes across the bedroom, desperately hunting for wipes. There they are, on the changing table.

5. Make "Sit! Stay!" motions with hands, to ensure the baby won't roll off of the bed.

6. Dash across the bedroom, grab the package of wipes, dash back to the bed.

7. Gaze in shock and awe at the mess one baby can make when left unsupervised for three tenths of a second.

8. Pick up jaw, get to work.

9. Use three wipes to clean baby hands.

10. Take package of wipes away from the baby.

11. Use two wipes to clean baby feet.

12. Since baby was playing with feet while cleanup was commencing, use two more wipes to clean baby hands again.

13. The last five wipes come out of the package all at once. Use all five to clean baby's bottom.

14. Discover that cold wipes on baby's bottom often have unintended side-effects.

15. Remove freshly damp shirt.

16. Move baby from wet bed to dry floor, and kneel down.

17. Stuff all of the used wipes into the old diaper, and get it out from under the baby.

18. Wad up the old diaper, being careful to not get hands messy, and set it aside on the floor.

19. Lift baby's bottom by holding the feet, and scoot the new diaper under the baby.

20. Lift baby's bottom by holding the feet, remove the new diaper from under the baby. Flip the new diaper around so the tabs are usable, and scoot the new diaper back under the baby.

21. Roll baby halfway over, pull out the tabs from under baby's back, and fasten the new diaper into place.

22. Stand up, step into closet, get a new clean shirt off of a hanger.

23. Step out of the closet--and onto a wadded-up messy diaper someone left on the floor.

24. Bend over, pick up the squished diaper, hop across the bedroom on one foot, and throw out the mushy mess in the bathroom trash can.

25. Remove socks, and rinse them out in the bathroom sink. Get a new pair from the dresser drawer.

26. Kneel down at the foot of the bed, and drag baby from under the bed, rescuing the cat from the baby.

27. Nuzzle and cuddle baby just like mommy does.

28. Very quickly return baby to mommy.

29. Spend the night on the couch watching old X-files and Gilligan reruns. Mommy spends the night trying desperately to get an angry fussy baby to settle down and go to sleep, despite the second degree whisker burns across baby's chest and cheek.

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