Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hopefully Helpful but Usually Useless

"Thirty days hath September...umm...Dopey, Donner and Blitzen...?"

If you're anything like me (and boy, isn't THAT a scary thought), then you hate trying to remember things--especially poems that don't even rhyme. Heck, it would be easier to remember the days of the months than the stupid poem that's supposed to remind you how many days are in each month.

It would be so much easier to have the number of days in each month right there in your hand any time you needed them. a matter of do. Here's how to read the calendar that came pre-installed in your left hand.

First, make a fist with your left hand.

Next, gently and carefully--wouldn't want to scratch or scar those beautiful calloused knuckles, would you?--put your right index finger on the knuckle of your left index finger.

Say "January," quietly. You wouldn't want anyone nearby to think you were doing anything strange, like counting on your fingers or something.

Slide your finger down into the gap between the first and second knuckle. Say "February." The next knuckle up is "March." Keep going through all of the months, until you get to July--because that's when you run out of knuckles.

At this point, get someone else to hold their fist up beside yours so you can keep going. If there isn't anyone nearby, then go ahead and start over again with the first knuckle and "August."

In case you haven't figured it out yet, the months at each knuckle have 31 days (January, March, May, etc), and the months that fall between the knuckles have less than 31 (February, April, June, etc). Now, the only one you have to memorize is February--and since it changes every four years, you had to memorize that one already anyway!

Bet you didn't know you had a calendar installed in your fist, did you...?

If you laughed, don’t forget to send in your nickel!
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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Hypnagoglic Creations

Hypnagoglic Logo

"Yes, post-hypnotic suggestions are good for more than just making people look like idiots on stage! We here at Hypnagoglic Creations (r) have pioneered the science of applied post-hypnotic suggestion, developing our products with your happiness, safety, and comfort in mind."

Check out our product lines:

The Active Accomplishment brand. This product line goes right to work, changing mindsets and behaviors like flicking a switch.

"Whack!" (tm) With fewer side-effects than Valium and less chance of prosecution than a two by four, Whack! ensures that hyperactive little rugrats are in bed and asleep by bedtime. Simply touch them on the forehead and speak the secret codeword, then pull the blankets up to their chins till morning.

**Warning: Put the subjects into bed FIRST, as Whack! will transform them instantly from wild sugared-up dynamos of energy into cute, sleeping little ragdolls, making them very difficult to lift into beds.

"Overachieve!" (tm) The perfect solution to those lazy, shiftless pre-teens who are more interested in television, telephone, and underage rock stars than homework. Overachive! goes right to work on the focus and attention centers of the brain, instilling in the subject an uncontrollable desire to spend three hours hitting the books, finishing their homework, and cramming for next month's geography mid-term.

"Cinderella X" (tm) With a wave of the magic code word, turn those sloppy slobs into compulsive neat freaks and return your home to the spotless days of yore (before children). Cinderella X targets the neuroses department in the subject's brain, applying a total aversion to dirt, grime, and clutter.

Attitude Adjustment Brand. This product line is for those harder cases, the ones where the other product lines don't seem to be working as effectively anymore. You know, teenagers. These products effectively apply instructional lessons in ways teens will understand.

SoapMouth 63 (tm) Has your teenager developed full-on potty mouth syndrome? Desperate for a way to curb the seemingly neverending flood of filth flowing from your sweet child's mouth? Say no more! Soapmouth 63 uses the combination of post-hypnotic trigger and peer pressure to turn sailor's speech back into queen's english in no time. Simply provide a list of the most often used phrases that come out of their mouths, and we will custom design a treatment that causes the subject to cluck like a chicken after every foul word.

Upgrade: This just in! Our developers have added a new feature that causes the subject to perform "I'm a little teapot!" on every utterance of, or hearing of, such phrases as "homey," "whacked," and "whadup, dawg?"

COMING SOON: Take control of your daily work environment with our new line of co-worker products, due out next month!

All Hypnagoglic products come with a 100% money back guarentee. If the subject fails to respond, simply return the book, tape, video, DVD, and optional electoshock YowzaJolt Collar (tm) for a full refund (minus a 40% restocking fee).

If you laughed, don't forget to send in your nickel!If you would like to be added to the NickelAtATime mailing list, please let us know!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

NICKEL FOR YOUR THOUGHTS (yes, that's what inflation tends to do for you!):

From the desk of the Primary Prankster

I'd like to welcome everyone to the first of hopefully many Nickel At A Time posts. It's really a pleasure to be here.

Isn't it great to know that, even with prices rising on everything, it's still possible to find a cheap laugh out there on the Internet?

Think of the service we provide. Without Nickel at a Time, humor addicts would be forced to scrounge around the Internet for their next fix. Imagine those poor pitiful humor-deprived people, peeking under virtual rocks, scraping around the dusty edges of the Information SuperHighway, desperately seeking that little grin and slight chuckle that will tide them over until their next fix.

Your nickels keep us going, helping us to help the humorless and make the Internet a more fun and funny place!

So, until next time, keep passing the jokes around and keep those nickels rolling in. I'll see you in the funny papers.